Two months ago I lost my best friend - more over and importantly the world lost a beautiful spark. She lit up the room with her smile and her positivity was just one of her endearing qualities. Fast forward to just a few weeks after we said goodbye the world turned upside down, queue the Hamilton Soundtrack (those who know just know).
I was dropped into long seven day work weeks, little time to think about anything other than work but alas grief is cruel and unforgiving. I found that in the quiet moments, when I think I have a minute to rest, a million memories come rushing in along with the realisation that I'm never going to see her again. That all too familiar heavy feeling overwhelms me and makes me wish I could lay still forever.
You may be asking — why am I writing this? The answer, for the simple fact that this nightmare dreamscape we seem to have found ourselves as the collective world only adds to the grey days — and maybe I can help someone who can relate. COVID-19 has given grief a hall pass of epic proportions, I've seen so many people having to fight down their feelings and paint fake smiles to keep it pushing - its also so much easier for you to ignore the ones that are trying to help you because they can't physically intervene. It's even easier to retreat to the stillness and allow the wave to consume you because there are no obligatory meetups and lunch dates to reluctantly agree to.
Self-isolation allows for you to literally create the feeding ground for all that is doom and gloom, not only are you having to navigate through the uncertainty of what is our current new normal, we are also expected to fight off the anxiety that is quietly trying to creep in. If that wasn't enough throw grief in the mix -- perfect cocktail for the text book definition of a hot mess. That's exactly how I feel - like a hot mess, and who wants to tell anyone who cares for them and is worried about their mental health thats the current status of me, myself and I.
Adding to the hot mess title you now feel like a burden so to recap you are a hot mess burden. How can you add anything heavy on to loved ones? Who are you to do that? People are already dealing with THE most so why should I add to it and make them instantly regret asking. So to my loveys who I have ignored please know this - I love you, love you even more for asking/checking on me because I know that the place of genuine concern that you are coming from is pure but I can't deal with adding to your current heavy. I'm not okay and that is okay because who would be, so know that I am not ignoring you I'm just fighting this battle the best way I can.
Some days are lighter than others, adding to the not so light days is the reminder my Dad's death anniversary is looming so that is definitely adding to the heart pain currently visiting. Grief as I said before is unforgiving - it's mean and something you carry when your loved ones leave you. Unfortunately there is no timeline, no day pencilled in on your calendar to mark the beginning of normalcy because there is no such thing. You are coming to terms with that fact - you are different, you are forever changed and that is why it's so hard.
I guess I am writing this because despite how easy it is to retreat we must not - that rock that hit your heart did make you different but it's up to us not to give in to the ease of succumbing to the grey.
So here are things to help with the ache or the ones that have been working for me at least.
LISTEN TO ALL THE MUSIC - sure listen to the songs that remind you of your loved ones but also listen to songs that uplift you (I'm partial to soca myself). Dance around your room and sing like no one is listening.
CRY - let me say this louder for those in the back, I said you can CRY! If you are slapped with an overwhelming urge to let it out DO IT. Nothing is wrong with those tears and you have nothing to apologise for.
BE STILL - you deserve it. Say no to all the things and give yourself some much needed you time. That is going to look different for everyone, I have found myself colouring again and reading. The wonder of a mediocrely coloured mandala and of words on printed pages — well its a beautiful thing to me.
TALK ABOUT THEM - constantly remind yourself about the good, bad and in-between. Memories make you smile and that makes you lighter and thats how you are going to be able to move from under the heavy waves.
FIGHT THE LONELY - allow your loved ones who are here to love you. Don't miss out on them, take your time to respond but RESPOND. Let someone in because you can't let your emotions fester.
These are working for me and I'm still trying, I'm a work in progress but I won't let this Hunger Games prequel that is our life currently, allow the grief to win (sorry not sorry for my super competitiveness). “One day at a time” may be the biggest cliche but tell me where is the lie…pause for dramatic effect…thats right, you couldn't find one.
Friendly reminder, this is the longest marathon of your life and if your only takeaway from my hot mess ramblings is the following then twas worth it: Life, its hard and it's okay not to be okay but be kind - be kind to those who are trying to be there for you and above all be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can and thats more than enough. Keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and adding to your playlist.
Always,
Franny (a beautiful mess)